December 14, 1997
Dearest James:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. See you at the Black Party.

With deepest love and devotion,
Lance

December 15, 1997
Dearest James:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. I just painted the kitchen a great lavender color and the doves really set it off.

All my love,
Lance

December 16, 1997
Dearest James:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love,
Lance

December 17, 1997
Dear James,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Lance

December 18, 1997
Dearest James:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. But you know I just love jewelry!

All my love,
Lance

December 19, 1997
Dear James:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying in my hallway. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. And they’re ruining my apartment. One of them even ate my anal-eze lubricant and I had to use butter with my new boyfriend.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Lance

December 20
John:

What’s with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the apartment and it ruined my organdy carpet, and they never stop with the racket. You know how I love long baths but the birds have taking over the bath tub.

I can’t sleep at night even though I’m taking double doses of prozac and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,
Lance

December 21
OK. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? A gay man with 8 maids! It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their god damned cows. There is shit all over the place and I can’t move in my own apartment. Just lay off me, smart-ass.

Lance

December 22
Hey! Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? You know I like a little spanking now and then, but now there’s 9 pipers playing. And OMG do they play. They have never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning, couldn’t you at least find gay pipers? Give me some guys to amuse myself while I curse you.

The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours,
Lance

December 23
You Rotten Prick,

Now there’s 10 ladies dancing, and my lesbian friends won’t come over because they’re pigs and straight. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now, the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned.

I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it

December 24
Listen! Fuckhead,

What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. All you do is send fucking straight guys who are maid crazy. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Lance

December 25